because tonight i feel alone.

“I hate u, I love u?” -Gnash

10:17 pm-

i honestly do not miss you. but i think about you. a lot. i hope that you are okay. i hope that you are happy. i have a lot of unanswered questions when it comes to our demise. do i cross your mind?  or does she? who is she? i dont know why you told me this could work, because i think you always knew i was too broken for you to fix. i wonder what parts of me i could adapt from you leaving me. but i dont know. i dont know why i wasnt the one you needed. that haunts me sometimes.

12:23 am-

i miss the idea of you. the rush of emotions you gave me seems irreplaceable. i trusted you. i still trust you. is that apart of moving on? i compare a lot of guys to you, but i dont think anyone can add up. that makes me sad that i let you go. but i dont think ive let you go completely. or at all. which makes me tired. im ready to replace you but im too tired to let someone else in again. because they always leave. like you left. when do i get to leave? im trying to let go of you but no one wants to take your place.

1:59 am-

i think i miss parts of you. your smile and the way you laugh. the sound of your voice when you promised me it was going to be okay. the way i felt like i was good enough for you. the way you made me feel about myself. is that selfish of me? i dont know. no ones ever made me feel that way. i wish you wouldnt have done that. i feel like i just cant connect to anyone after you left. i dont see the point in opening up to people, because its so sticky. the dark parts of me are sticky. my feelings are still stuck to you. im sorry that i got stuck to parts of you. i dont want to be. i just am.

3:47 am-

i miss you so much. please miss me too.


i dont feel sad

i feel used.

its like im constantly being used. the only reason im replenished is so they have a shoulder to cry on. so that they have a warm body next to them. i think i set myself up to be used. i give myself to the wrong people. the only person at blame for that is myself. i dont know why every one i give myself to lies to me. they promise to change themselves. to change me.  promise that they’ll stay. lie to me than lie with me; to get their fix. giving up little pieces of yourself starts to add up. i just want my pieces back. please make me feel whole again. i dont think this cycle will end.

i feel angry.

its like im up to my ears in madness. am i mad or have i gone mad? the only person i dont like is myself. im full of regrets. the skeletons in my closet keep adding up and i cannot keep that door shut. i place so many locks on the goddamn door but somehow the spirits of my past come out to play every night. they rattle my head as i toss and turn begging for just five minutes of emptiness. five minutes of sleep. leave me alone, let me sleep. please let me sleep. i dont wanna be angry anymore.

i feel guilty.

lately ive been missing so many pieces of myself i don’t know where to begin. its like someone took an axe and began chipping away at my ego. my happiness. my self esteem. my soul. i fight like hell to get them to stop. who could be doing this to me? who hates me so much that theyre willing to tear me down? its then when i realize… that its me. im sabotaging myself.

i feel unattached.

its like i cant connect. i just dont care. i couldnt care less actually. and that bothers me. why am i so heartless? why am i so hateful? why does nothing please me anymore? my laughs are hallow, my smiles are empty. who am i? im walking this earth like nothing is wrong with me. why dont i tell anyone how badly it hurts? when will i stop lying? am i really that shameful of my pain that i have to handle it alone? yes. because theres nothing wrong with me. promise.

i feel stupid.

i know the past is the past. im trying to leave it behind. why cant it do the same? why wont my nightmares just go away? stop reminding me of how hurtful words can be. but every time i look in the mirror im reminded of how much ive failed. how i cant do anything right. im so desperate. im so pathetic. why do i do this to myself. just stop. stop eating. stop talking. stop thinking about it all. when will my scars fade? i dont want to look at them anymore. they make me hate myself. i swear to god im trying so hard to forgive you. but i dont know how.

“the thing no one tells you about being fucked up; it has nothing to do with being sad.”

The Evolution of My Heart

I placed my unconditional heart in the hands of a boy who bit his lips and spoke like the stars. He kept it in the front poket of his t-shirt, moments away from his own. There were points throughout that gentle year I tried to steal back the gift I had given him, but he’d reassure me that it was safe. After countless hours of open conversation and seeing a light in anothers eyes when they looked at my dull heart, I decided it was no longer mine. Because it belonged to him. 

But the days carried on and when his words turned to knives Ifought desperately to get back what was mine. He slammed the doors so hard my ribcage rattled, and I first felt the realness of the hole in my chest, where my heart was missing. When he threw our memories into the river, he tossed my heart along with them. I spent days tryingto fish out the broken pieces of my soul, but nearly half of them were lost forever.

 I pieced my heart back together with concrete blocks and mortar. I refilled the missing pieces with steel rods and titanium screws. I promised myself that I would be more careful with who I let in. But the silver could not replace the gold thread that once stitched my heart togther. I thirsted for those sweet nothings that had once been whispered in my ear. I tried to place my broken heart in the hands of tall boys with soft lips in hopes that they could fix me. But they wanted nothing to do with the parts of me that didn’t taste like a vodka bottle. 

I sat back and watched boys try to crack the code on the chains that weighed down my self esteem and fueled my trust issues. I begged them to stop but they promised me I was special. They promised that if I gave them the keys it would be worth it, that they would hold my hand while I started to heal. They lied. 

I gave pieces of my heart to boys with overdue library books and chiseled jaws. I threw my loving heart around, begging any drunken boy to see something great about it, like my first love had. I have not been so lucky. I am starting to think that no one will ever see past the cracks again. In fact, I am tired of bringing my frail heart out of her cage just to be rejected time after time.

Goodbye Good Ole ‘Braska,

When moving away, I never got the chance to say goodbye to the most important people that I was leaving behind, my family. This is not a “goodbye forever,” but rather a “‘while I’m gone, remember that.’ goodbye.” Almost two months after living on my own, I have had the opportunity to really sum into words the way I feel about each one of them. Families are complex and crafted of incredibly different people attempting to survive as a whole. Mine is no stranger to argument and forgiveness, high and low times, and most importantly hate and love. Thank your for molding me into the person I am today. As always, much love.
-xoxo B-na$ty
Goodbye to my mother and father, Kelli and Shawn. I have never had more mixed reviews about two individuals performance. The negative impact you both had on my life is unending. I know each of you made graphic and hardening mistakes in raising me. The aspects of your parenting methods affected me in ways so painstaking, I hope no other child ever has to understand them. The only thing I could ever have left to say to you both is: thank you. Thank you for giving me something no other person has attempted to indulge on me–your best. You tried your best. My mommy worked tirelessly for success. My dad defeated every challenge that plagued him. I can never take that away from you. I will never be more proud, or more satisfied, or more appreciative of any other two people on this earth. Thank you for loving me in the best ways you knew how. Thank you for putting your pain aside to reassure we had a shot at happiness. Thank you for being the best you that you could be. I will never stop trying to repay you for the deeds you have done. I can finally understand that raising me was complex. While I am broken, I stand tall. I stand in the shadows of legends. I wouldn’t trade that for any amount of riches that anyone could offer me.

Goodbye to my older sister, Alabama. I understand that older sisters are supposed to pave the way for their more delicate younger siblings. However, I never viewed us of having that relationship. I always saw us as equals, sharing in the same experiences and dealing with the same struggles in different ways. When my flaws consumed me, you were their with open ears; when life got the best of you, I was there with open arms. No matter how many times you fled from the flock and attempted to stand on your own, I always trailed behind to support you when you fell. I will never give up on you, like so many others have. Because I know with great certainty you will repay the favor. I have faced challenges that most people cannot wrap their head around, but you tried. You tried to help me through my suffering when most people didn’t notice it existed. You drove around with me for hours while I cried about things that did not make sense to you. And in one of my darkest and most painful moments of being on my own, you were the first person I called. The first person who picked up the phone at 3am and calmed the storms raging through my head. I have realized that while I see myself protecting you and the others, you were always silently in the background making sure I stayed safe. You are the one person who has continued to stay in my life, and understand me when no one else could. Thank you for that. Never forget about me, while you’re looking for yourself out there.

Goodbye to the most flamboyant ray of sunshine I have ever had the opportunity to meet, my younger sister Caitlyn. You’re brain is plagued with a lack of constructed knowledge, yet blessed with the most  fluid intelligent thinking of anyone your age. It is rare to see someone develop into such pure spirit at such a frightening age. In the journey of finding myself, many times I dragged you down with me. (Including the times I dragged you down into the fireplace) And as I grew into my shoes, you were always by my side, even when I refused to acknowledge your existence. I distinctly remember when I first saw you in tears, and felt your pain in my own heart. In a split second I went from hating you, to doing anything on this earth to ease your pain, to have your back, to understand you, to fight any challenge that plagued you, to never leave your side (even when you begged me too). I know I make mistakes. I know that I do not always give you the best of me, but just being in the presence of someone so joyful, passionate and open; gives me a reason to try. I’m aware I typically go to far and literally shower you in love that annoys you, or give you rude advice that you refuse to take, or text you the most random and uncomfortable of times, because I see you as my own. I see you as a such a delicate seed, blossoming into the most gorgeous and powerful tree that this world as seen. And I will not rest until I know that you are safe, until you know how important you are to me, until you achieve the success that you deserve. Your girls and I have faith that you perfect in so many ways, and mature enough to fight you’re own battles. If my fat ass can make it, so can yours ;).

Goodbye to my baby, Destiny Marie. It is a lasting memory in everyone’s mind how much I hated the idea of you when I was a awkward fifth grader with a higher than thou complex. I can vividly remember all the tears I shed before you were born cursing God for plaguing me with such an unwanted masterpiece. Little did I know how strong my bond with another person could be. As mad as you make me, I have never wanted more for a child than I want for you. I remember thinking about how impatient I was about hearing you talk and listening to you construct ideas and opinions of your own. If only I knew how many times you would tell me you hated me! You gave me patience, peace, and the opportunity to watch someone grow up. You have made one of the biggest impacts on my life; blessing me with your smile and laugh, your insane and irrational ideas, your child like ambition, and the biggest heart that this world has ever seen. If I could tell my fifth grade self anything about you, it would be how you make the world a better place. Even when you’re screaming and punching me, you make me the happiest Bay alive. I can never forget attempting to sit you down and trying to explain to you how much I loved you, regardless of what anyone else thinks of you. I couldn’t do it. A mother cannot put into words how much she values her child’s life. I simply cannot put a number on it. While I will never take mommy’s place in your life (thank God because I cannot get you up for school) I will cherish you more than any other person on this earth. I love you more than every star in the sky, I love you to the moon and back, I love you most. In my heart, my baby you will always be.