i dont feel sad

i feel used.

its like im constantly being used. the only reason im replenished is so they have a shoulder to cry on. so that they have a warm body next to them. i think i set myself up to be used. i give myself to the wrong people. the only person at blame for that is myself. i dont know why every one i give myself to lies to me. they promise to change themselves. to change me.  promise that they’ll stay. lie to me than lie with me; to get their fix. giving up little pieces of yourself starts to add up. i just want my pieces back. please make me feel whole again. i dont think this cycle will end.

i feel angry.

its like im up to my ears in madness. am i mad or have i gone mad? the only person i dont like is myself. im full of regrets. the skeletons in my closet keep adding up and i cannot keep that door shut. i place so many locks on the goddamn door but somehow the spirits of my past come out to play every night. they rattle my head as i toss and turn begging for just five minutes of emptiness. five minutes of sleep. leave me alone, let me sleep. please let me sleep. i dont wanna be angry anymore.

i feel guilty.

lately ive been missing so many pieces of myself i don’t know where to begin. its like someone took an axe and began chipping away at my ego. my happiness. my self esteem. my soul. i fight like hell to get them to stop. who could be doing this to me? who hates me so much that theyre willing to tear me down? its then when i realize… that its me. im sabotaging myself.

i feel unattached.

its like i cant connect. i just dont care. i couldnt care less actually. and that bothers me. why am i so heartless? why am i so hateful? why does nothing please me anymore? my laughs are hallow, my smiles are empty. who am i? im walking this earth like nothing is wrong with me. why dont i tell anyone how badly it hurts? when will i stop lying? am i really that shameful of my pain that i have to handle it alone? yes. because theres nothing wrong with me. promise.

i feel stupid.

i know the past is the past. im trying to leave it behind. why cant it do the same? why wont my nightmares just go away? stop reminding me of how hurtful words can be. but every time i look in the mirror im reminded of how much ive failed. how i cant do anything right. im so desperate. im so pathetic. why do i do this to myself. just stop. stop eating. stop talking. stop thinking about it all. when will my scars fade? i dont want to look at them anymore. they make me hate myself. i swear to god im trying so hard to forgive you. but i dont know how.

“the thing no one tells you about being fucked up; it has nothing to do with being sad.”

4 thoughts on “i dont feel sad

  1. Dear Bailey,

    I know that in writing this piece, you speak for many woman who are being used by men who are not willing or able to love them in return. I am so sorry you have been going through this.

    If you want to let him, Jesus can heal you from your addictions to self-loathing and to toxic men. I will be praying for that.

    There is great hope. Please do not give up.

    Praying for you,

    “Gwennon R”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, Bailey, it is always a pleasure to pray for people. Especially for those who actually want to be prayed for. Jesus loves you more than anyone else in this world in their best moments ever can. I pray that you (and I, too) can fully put your trust in Him.

        Liked by 1 person

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