humiliatIon

it tasted sweet. his eyes so engulfed in my entirety that i believed the love we were making was wholesome. innocent. like a child does a watermelon on warm summer day he devoured my soul. sticky juices staining the flushed cheeks of a boy in need of validation. he bathes me in appreciation for the generations of alleles that have melted together to create the person i am. smothered in his aura, i find a home. i feel whole again.

he says that i deserve it.

i allow myself to change. i grow inside another while another grows inside me. i bite his tongue, i swallow my pride, i justify his anger. i force my rationality to forgive him. in fits of rage he rids our home of my presence. every time we make love he carves my secrets into my skin. humbled. i steady his hands. i have always believed that nobody can hate me more than i hate myself. my ideology is questioned as he tears into my flesh.

i think that i deserve it.

emptiness builds a home inside me. my mind is swallowed by humiliation for the person that i have become. whore. i refuse to recognize the girl who looks back at me. desperate. i just want to feel something besides this emptiness, i cannot stop myself from wanting to be free from this shell. obese. hot water dances across my flesh; your scent lingers. who the fuck wins? i dont want to be me anymore. i dont want to be me anymore. i dont want to be me anymore i

deserve it.

11 thoughts on “humiliatIon

  1. Hey Bailey. Just wanted to say, I truly love the emotion and naked feelings you put into your poetry. I love hearing your written voice – so much passion. Glad to see you back writing! I need to catch up on your older works too. I too, took a little hiatus. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you, thank you, thank you!! that means so much to me! i love writing; i think it helps get your thoughts out ya know? i just never have time. but i am glad youre back as well ! your work is amazing. always a good read!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are more than welcome! I agree with you on writing allowing for the expression of thoughts and I’ll add experiences and emotion. It’s evident in yours poignantly communicated. Thanks for the compliment. Keep the good stuff coming! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. When I read this…I feel like I’m the one being described. I think if a guy like me ever reads your poetry…it makes me feel like maybe I’m delusional about being in love with someone so intimately.

    It makes me question my sanity…my actions that I proclaim that are out of love… Am I really a good person…a good lover…or not?

    Powerful and emotive doesn’t capture the essence of your work. It’s something more… I can’t put my tongue on it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. im willing to bet you are a good person! i genuinely believe that the boy i wrote this about is a good person with a brilliant soul. in the last block i feel like im trying to explain how i go from blaming him for all the wrong doing to blaming myself? if that makes any sense lol thank you for taking the time to read !!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do understand where you’re coming from when you talk about the last “verse”. To be fair, I don’t find it strange to morph your hatred for someone else into a hatred to the self… Distancing yourself makes you question yourself, sometimes for worse.

        I tried finding a word to describe what I feel in your work… I’ve yet to find one adequate enough. Regardless, I hope the personal struggles you have are resolved (if any exist). Feel free to send me personal messages if you just wanna chat!

        Liked by 1 person

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