nIne

longing.

all day i travel busily to nameless destinations and meaningless distractions. in secret i keep the key to hells gate in my back pocket. as the earth gets quiet my ability to fight off the urges get weaker and weaker. he begs me to stop painting pictures of memories i have yet to create. i just dont want to sleep alone anymore. my soul aches for you. i have ran through every milestone of your creation like clock work. planned each date in which i couldnt possibly love you more. i beg the tears to end. numb. i pack our what-ifs tightly together and lock the gate behind me. maybe tomorrow it will hurt less.

failure.

like the clouds as the world turns my dreams shift from the picture and im left with the actuality of my situation. the pain of another ripping off every inch of my skin is nothing compared to the reality that i was unable to wrap each gift of the universe up for you. thinking of every bow i neglected to tie makes my stomach churn. every second i remind myself that the immensity of love i have reserved for you is just not enough. the weight of this burden is too heavy. im so tired. even though he is here, i carry it alone.

mine.

i have waited my entire life to be yours. the beat of your heart echoing in the day dreams that clog my 11 year old mind. i beg god for a chance to indulge in the alleles that connect our spirits. in vain, i often forget our forever plus one. the bond that us living share is nothing compared to the love that i have for something that is so brilliantly mine. i often ignore his significance because i dont believe he will ever feel you the way that i feel you. i will never look at him the way that i do you. he will never be mine the way that you are.

empty.

everyday since your future left me i pray that some sort of solace washes over me. my entirety acts as a coffin, preparing my mind and soul for a burial of their own. i wonder how much longer he and i can rationalize each others mistakes. this cavity seems hopeless without you. my mind is a stranger inside my skull. it feels like there is nothing here anymore.

please find me again my butterfly. when i can be better for you.