fUneral

today i planned your funeral.

immortal. maybe we will make it. every day seems like an adventure. a life long of illusions pieced together to create each and every moment i spend with you. a primal need to be satisfied by someone who understands you. do you understand me? lay with me, lay next to me, lay inside me. inside my head. tuck yourself into my darkest memories. do i remember you from a time before i was who i am now? let the world drain away around us. nothing scares me anymore. because i have you.

but today i planned your funeral.

how do i escape this? i will bathe in alcohol, boil in drugs, loose myself in any semblance of attention to get over my addiction to you. this cycle of fuck, make love, have sex is too much for my sanity. i sit in the bedroom alone, while your out there with her. useless to her seductions. my love is incomprehensible to her hold on you. i am nothing when i stand next to your addiction. i lay awake wondering.. how can i hate myself more than i hate you?

so today i planned your funeral.

what will i say? will i wear white when i stand next to you in heaven? may god never be cruel enough to separate me from your side. will i die for you? when the devil makes three? will i follow in every toxic trait you drilled into my being? when i lose you, will i become you? i wonder if people will blame me. for the nights i was too tired to fight her. for the days i fought you until you were so tired you gave up? will they know the things ive said? maybe i will beg for forgiveness. since i never got it from you. this morning i love you. by nightfall i resent you. so

i cant help but plan your funeral.

what happened to us? i feel fear. genuine. raw. silent fear. the voices in my head are screaming your name. as if i can do anything from here. youre so out of touch, out of reality, out of your mind. please reply. what did i see in the background? who was that talking? why are you saying these things? when you tell me you hate me i cant breathe. but i will listen as long as you keep replying. dont hang up the phone. im scared. why is the fire alarm going off? where are the dogs? dont engage in the screaming. just let him scream at you. he will be sorry tomorrow. its her its not him. you hate me, im a whore, im a liar, im a cheater. i just want to sleep. i cant sleep when your like this. should i? it hurts so much. my heart aches. this love is making me sick. i wont leave until your safe. please answer. please answer. please answer. how can the world separate us if i love you? im sorry for my sins, ill do anything for you to be okay.

its so quiet. so today i planned your funeral.

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