dark – centaurus A

it tasted sweet. his eyes so engulfed in my entirety that i believed the love we were making was wholesome. innocent. like a child does a watermelon on warm summer day he devoured my soul. sticky juices staining the flushed cheeks of a boy in need of validation. he bathes me in appreciation for the generations of alleles that have melted together to create the person i am. smothered in his aura, i find a home. i feel whole again.

he says that i deserve it.

i allow myself to change. i grow inside another while another grows inside me. i bite his tongue, i swallow my pride, i justify his anger. i force my rationality to forgive him. in fits of rage he rids our home of my presence. every time we make love he carves my secrets into my skin. humbled. i steady his hands. i have always believed that nobody can hate me more than i hate myself. my ideology is questioned as he tears into my flesh.

i think that i deserve it.

emptiness builds a home inside me. my mind is swallowed by humiliation for the person that i have become. whore. i refuse to recognize the girl who looks back at me. desperate. i just want to feel something besides this emptiness, i cannot stop myself from wanting to be free from this shell. obese. hot water dances across my flesh; your scent lingers. who the fuck wins? i dont want to be me anymore. i dont want to be me anymore. i dont want to be me anymore i

deserve it.

do you think of me?

do you think of me when you drive past a convertible as candy apple red as mine? how we used to drive around for hours; music blaring, clearing our minds, fingers intertwined. getting lost and pulling into abandon parking lots at 2am. do you see my seat covers and remember our arguments? over whether mcdonalds or burger kings fries are better. or whose turn it was to drive home.

do you think of me?

do you think of me when you hear my music? the songs i forced you to listen to? the songs you became familiar with as i became familiar with your body? do you stumble across an underground rapper and want to tell me about them? or miss me texting you lyrics at 7am? along with words of encouragement when you needed an extra push. do you ever look up to the stands and look for my smile?

do you think of me?

do you think of me when she whispers in your ear? or as she bites her lips and fulfills all my promises to you? can you still taste my lips and smell my perfume? i bet she does things that remind you of me, but i hope she doesnt do them as well. when you lock yours with those chocolate eyes, do you ever see mine? my big brown eyes looking up at you, gleaming because youre mine. youd always be mine. or so we thought.

do you think of me?

do you think its me when you get a call at 3am? barely able to speak but clear enough to remind you how in love with you i am? do you ever get worried that i am lost again? or falling in parking lots on clear august nights? when you see a girl throwing back shots do you remember the times i tried to out drink you but ended up swaddled in your arms. does it bother you that you are no longer my midnight kiss? or the arms i run into? do you realize im no longer there?

i think of you.

i think of you when the lights turn down. i think of how calm your hands felt trying to steady mine. i think of your smell, even though i washed it away months ago. i think of you when he kisses my neck. and him. and him. i look for you in the drivers seat of every grey truck passing by. i think about our snapchats, our songs, our jokes, our words, our love. i think of you when people tell me im too much. i think of how many times you told me you didn’t hate me, that you never could. i still think about texting you. i still think you were the best thing to ever happen to me.

i think about trading all our memories for our moments back.