fear

i told myself to be strong. when the sun seeped through my windows the morning after you left me i allowed lies to seep from my lips. even though i didn’t believe a single promise i made i still etched them into my skull. i told the girl in the mirror that she was glorious and beautiful and bright as i painted over the impurities cursing her body. every lonely night i held my own hand. swaddled the pieces of my broken soul with these two arms. i kissed my own lips and washed your name out of my mouth with bleach. i bared the weight of titanium screws and rebuilt every broken bone you left me with. i put myself aside unable to deal with the immensity of the situation. i felt small without you. small enough to crawl into my head and sit patiently. patiently while i analyzed the thousands of moments extended across my lifetime that id ruined. i flipped through pages upon pages of smiles that no longer belonged to me. i blamed myself for it all. over night; i changed.
i grew brighter, bigger, pushed everyone out of my life to give me more room. i stood on tables in bars and danced in the street and screamed off rooftops at 3am. but when i went home i sat quietly in the corner sipping on sadness. i grew fonder of being alone. with grief stricken eyes i would glare at the girl id placed on the shelf months back. was that really me? her skin looked so peachy and her eyes seem to glow. i used to assume that shes still adored you. i envied that part of her.

when you came back you whispered promises into my ear. you held my hand and kissed my lips. you swaddled me in your arms and asked me to trust you. i think that i do.

but there she sits on the shelf, reminding me of what you did. her eyes do not glow anymore; her skins as pale as the ghost of my infatuation for you. even though she is silent i can hear her screaming, begging my eyes to stop glowing at the sound of your name. i know that you’re no good. i know that i should leave.

but i dont know how.

addicted. 

words. 

dripping like a smoothe choclate glaze. smothering the cracks of a soul that broke itself in order to let the light in. the thickness desperately seeping into each crevice and declaring it his home. i thought the darkness would rock me to sleep. occupy my mind long   enough to put me to rest. have you ever witnessed the fluidity of sweet promises crystalizing peace into a mind gone mad? its comforting. but the drizzles did not work for me. instead it scratched out the childlike hope in my veins and replaced it with

black. 

like my lashes. i painted each one like velvet. perfection. as black as the ice of a winters night that thrills from the screams of its victims before the sun gets a chance to shine. jet black veils shading the holes within my face. covering the galaxies from gazing upon themself. i allowed them to glisten but never rain. never cry. when my demons were fed stars danced within my pupils. however the stars were not light. they were reflections from years ago. reminding me of the wrong and the unjust. the joyful memories that used to dwell there turned to combustion and dust. they 

collapsed. 

the chip on my shoulder became hands steadily wrapped around my neck as i clawed for air. but neatly hope sat in the back of my head, that he would clench his fist and finally release me from this shell. my mind sat like an abandoned bee hive craving the crazed buzzing noises of thoughts and revelations. craving the voices of stangers of friends of lovers. i sat in silence. i sat on my knees glaring out a window calling to anyones God, if Hes out there, please send me a shooting star. all i want is one goddamn wish to bring myself back. i just want to be happy again. God please let me be happy again. im 

begging. 

like an exhausted foot tapping i sat impatiently waiting for his arrival. to feel the oblivion of a fix. to be swaddled in the arms of myself before my flaws were stitched into my sleeves. when they left me on empty i lashed out. broke hundreds of memories, shattered every bridge i attempted to save. punched holes in the walls and kicked and screamed until they had to forcibly remove me from their lives. i did not go down easy. like a hell bent son defending his father i stood by my happinesses side. refusing to let go of his hand, even when it was only in my

imagination. 

every part of me is empty. is bitter. is angry. but i like to pretend that it isnt. i trace the smiles of my peers across my lips and lace my hair with bright colored flowers and bountiful curls. i speak softly. i speak rationally. i use the white streaks of the lightening electrifying the storms inside me to light a fire. a fire that lights up the words “denial” and “hopeless” and “save this fucking ship” across my face like the las vegas strip. but unlike the boulevard no one reads my signs. i do not have time to read them aloud. no one comes to save me after ive hung my face out to dry. in the blissfulness of night when chills run up my spine and the darkness opens his doors to let me back inside. he smells like coffee. god i love coffee.  maybe i am in denial. maybe my soul is black and my mind has collapsed and im just begging for something for someone to see past the imaginary image ive projected of myself. but maybe it doesnt matter. because these are nothing more than 

words. 

“whether its drugs, booze, sex, religion or hope. we’re all addicted to something” 

i dont feel sad

i feel used.

its like im constantly being used. the only reason im replenished is so they have a shoulder to cry on. so that they have a warm body next to them. i think i set myself up to be used. i give myself to the wrong people. the only person at blame for that is myself. i dont know why every one i give myself to lies to me. they promise to change themselves. to change me.  promise that they’ll stay. lie to me than lie with me; to get their fix. giving up little pieces of yourself starts to add up. i just want my pieces back. please make me feel whole again. i dont think this cycle will end.

i feel angry.

its like im up to my ears in madness. am i mad or have i gone mad? the only person i dont like is myself. im full of regrets. the skeletons in my closet keep adding up and i cannot keep that door shut. i place so many locks on the goddamn door but somehow the spirits of my past come out to play every night. they rattle my head as i toss and turn begging for just five minutes of emptiness. five minutes of sleep. leave me alone, let me sleep. please let me sleep. i dont wanna be angry anymore.

i feel guilty.

lately ive been missing so many pieces of myself i don’t know where to begin. its like someone took an axe and began chipping away at my ego. my happiness. my self esteem. my soul. i fight like hell to get them to stop. who could be doing this to me? who hates me so much that theyre willing to tear me down? its then when i realize… that its me. im sabotaging myself.

i feel unattached.

its like i cant connect. i just dont care. i couldnt care less actually. and that bothers me. why am i so heartless? why am i so hateful? why does nothing please me anymore? my laughs are hallow, my smiles are empty. who am i? im walking this earth like nothing is wrong with me. why dont i tell anyone how badly it hurts? when will i stop lying? am i really that shameful of my pain that i have to handle it alone? yes. because theres nothing wrong with me. promise.

i feel stupid.

i know the past is the past. im trying to leave it behind. why cant it do the same? why wont my nightmares just go away? stop reminding me of how hurtful words can be. but every time i look in the mirror im reminded of how much ive failed. how i cant do anything right. im so desperate. im so pathetic. why do i do this to myself. just stop. stop eating. stop talking. stop thinking about it all. when will my scars fade? i dont want to look at them anymore. they make me hate myself. i swear to god im trying so hard to forgive you. but i dont know how.

“the thing no one tells you about being fucked up; it has nothing to do with being sad.”