piece by piece 

a flake. 

a flake for each boy ive parted my lips for. making room for their pride and spitting out my dignity. swallowing every notion they give to me, as meaningless and spiteful as they sounded i absorbed them. played them back in my head a thousand times. opened my mouth to return the favor, but my words bounced right back. as if it never mattered. 

a sliver. 

a sliver for the boy in the blue vest, eyeing me from across the room. telling me im beautiful. more beautiful than my friends. more beautiful than his ex. more beautiful than my ex deserved. thats the part that won me. but in his head hes silently plotting the makings of an unmade bed. tussled from his satisfaction and smothered with my emptiness. his teeth are clenched because even though im beautiful, hes forgotten my name. 

a piece. 

a piece for all the faces that have faded. they each got a piece of their own. a piece to hold and hurt and wipe away their tears. a piece to mean something. expecting more and more of me, but eventually my laughs and smiles turned to eye rolls and ignored text messages. i lost the will the be accepted and gained the responsibility of misery. not after long they left. ultimately being my fault. i didnt think it would bother me, until i realized how many of them there was. 

a chunk. 

a chunk for every knife thats stabbed me in the back. promised me one thing, while doing another. reminding me how terrible i am. how many mistakes ive made. then watching them desperately trying to pull it out and act like nothing happened. act like the scars dont exsist. act like it was my fault in the first place. i guess it was. 

a wedge. 

a wedge for the boy who held me for days. held my hand and my hair and my waist.  i dont think i stopped smiling the entire year he ran his fingers through my hair. your smell is wedged in my pillows and the feel of your lips is wedged in places of me i cant bare to let another explore. the pieces of you that you left with me arent worth much. nothing compared to the piece i gave you. 
i know why i feel so empty. because i have nothing left to give. 

take these memories; give me back my moments 

do you think of me? 

do you think of me when you drive past a convertible as candy apple red as mine? how we used to drive around for hours; music blaring, clearing our minds, fingers intertwined. getting lost and pulling into abandon parking lots at 2am. do you see my seat covers and remember our arguments? over whether mcdonalds or burger kings fries are better. or whose turn it was to drive home. 

do you think of me? 

do you think of me when you hear my music? the songs i forced you to listen to? the songs you became familiar with as i became familiar with your body? do you stumble across an underground rapper and want to tell me about them? or miss me texting you lyrics at 7am? along with words of encouragement when you needed an extra push. do you ever look up to the stands and look for my smile? 

do you think of me? 

do you think of me when she whispers in your ear? or as she bites her lips and fulfills all my promises to you? can you still taste my lips and smell my perfume? i bet she does things that remind you of me, but i hope she doesnt  do them as well. when you lock yours with those chocolate eyes, do you ever see mine? my big brown eyes looking up at you, gleaming because youre mine. youd always be mine. or so we thought. 

do you think of me? 

do you think its me when you get a call at 3am? barely able to speak but clear enough to remind you how in love with you i am? do you ever get worried that i am lost again? or falling in parking lots on clear august nights? when you see a girl throwing back shots do you remember the times i tried to out drink you but ended up swaddled in your arms. does it bother you that you are no longer my midnight kiss? or the arms i run into? do you realize im no longer there? 

i think of you. 

i think of you when the lights turn down. i think of how calm your hands felt trying to steady mine. i think of your smell, even though i washed it away months ago. i think of you when he kisses my neck. and him. and him. i look for you in the drivers seat of every grey truck passing by. i think about our snapchats, our songs, our jokes, our words, our love. i think of you when people tell me im too much. i think of how many times you told me you didn’t hate me, that you never could.  i still think about texting you. i still think you were the best thing to ever happen to me. 

i think about trading all our memories for our moments back. 


“nothing else matters now youre not here. so where are you? i been callin you. i been missin you.”
i think about you. more than i should. i miss the taste of your words and the feel of your t-shirts againts my bare skin. ive called. but i think that im scared to hear your voice again. when the richness runs into my ears it will swallow my heart again. i cant miss you anymore. 

“where else can i go? chasing you?” 

i know your knees tremble when youre nervous. and you sleep on your left side. i know you cried after your mom drove off and how little credit you give yourself. i dont need to chase you, you live inside my head. i packed your bags awhile ago. i think its time for you to leave. 

“memories turn to dust. please dont bury us. i got you.” 

i dont remember who i was before i was yours. but i know that you were never mine. i tucked each word you gave me into a sacred cabinet. cherished. because it was from you. because it was ours. but in reality you didnt care to remember a single sentence i gave you. i got you. for months i had you. i built your ego and encouraged your talent. i brought you out of your shell. and you gave me sweet nothings and broken promises. 

“i aint runnin from myself no more. im ready to face it all” 

im tired. im tired of missing the love that i slaved over. the work i put in. the time i wasted. when did i start fighting for you? you fought to keep me. thats how we started. before i let you take the lead. im tired of putting you ahead of myself. its time i took charge of my life, without you. because i know that i am worth fighting for. and that i dont want to fight to be yours anymore. i want to be mine. 

“if i lose myself i lose it all” 

when you left i didnt lose you. i lost myself. i will never allow that happen again. 

(lyrics accredited to Naughty Boy, Beyoncé & Arrow Benjamin “Runnin'”)  

Goodbye Stars

*Names have been changed out of respect for the parties involved

Roughly a year ago I began casually chatting people online, basically out of boredom. That’s when I came across this southern boy my age that lived about four states away. His name was Kevin*. In the beginning we started talking as friends. To be completely honest, at this point in my life I had things going on that I didn’t want in the open. It was surprisingly easy to confide in someone who had no way to spill my secrets! Kevin and I were there for each other; it was like he filled a void in my life. Most of the time I would talk and he would listen. We grew up in the same situations, had the same ideals and most importantly believed in eachother when no one else would. Shortly after we became inseparable Kevin admitted to having feelings for me. While I started to care for him, I had to think realistically. Considering the 14 hour distance between us and the fact we had never actually met, I decided there was no way our relationship could develop past friends.

Regardless Kevin and I remained obsessed with eachother; talking all day and night, whether via text or on the phone. Slowly but surely I began to fall for this blue eyed boy telling me how beautiful I was, how strong I could be, how much he needed me in his life. A few months into our “friendship”  he started telling me that he loved me, which was an extremely new experience for me. How could this boy love me if he knew all my secrets, all my struggles, all the things I hated about myself? How do you even know if you love someone? I reassured myself he was confused. And while I had not reciprocated his words, I figured I never could. Because you cannot love someone you’ve never met. Or so I believed.

About four months into our friendship he started to date another girl that lived in his home town. While this was a complete shock, I was really happy for him! To me it was nice to see him happy with someone who could treat him better there than I ever could from here. Shockingly we maintained our friendship like before; we continued to talk and text daily. However even though he was with another girl, his “love” for me remained the same. He continued to tell me he was in love with me and that I was perfect for him almost every call. This put a huge strain on me because I constantly had to wonder why I wasn’t good enough, or why he kept me around. Was I just being jealous? Did I have a right to feel this way? I didnt know. I suppressed my feelings and carried on like it didn’t bother me. Soon into their relationship, I discovered this girl was cheating on him through Facebook! Yes Facebook! When Kevin refused to confront her about it…I did! Kevin was my best  friend, if he wasn’t being man enough to stick up for himself, I would. In the end he ended his relationship with her due to other circumstances.

After this altercation I was “put on probation” by him. He claimed that me stepping into his personal affairs was causing trouble between him and his peers. I started to feel more and more like an idea to him. I felt like he didn’t acknowledge that I was a real person, outside of his phone. During the next six months Kevin began several different relationships with several different girls. In the years I’ve know him, he has had six girlfriends and two girls he’s seriously talked to, that I know of. Through every relationship he had, he maintained ours. I would sit back and watch him tell these girls he loved them, all the while telling me the same things. I felt emotionally used and overall pathetic for not walking away. The strain on me grew heavier and heavier and caused more problems with us. A few of his girlfriends I messaged letting them know who I was and that Kevin was telling the both of us the same things. When they confronted Kevin he would scream at me, tell me I was ruining his chance at happiness then refuse to talk to me. He told them I was delusional, then told me I was the one he wish he could spend the rest of his life with. I would let him walk all over me, because I believed that he still cared about me. He obviously cared about me more than the others, if he kept me around the longest…right? I didn’t want to let go of what grew to be my best friend, my brother, the first guy I cared about on levels I didn’t know existed. And Kevin promised me I would never have to. He continued to feed me the same old lines, on how he would change or stop his irrational behavior. I believed him.

Around this time is when the fighting began. Understand that Kevin and I are both very head strong people, so no matter what the other did, we saw ourselves as right. I would send him paragraphs telling him how much I hated him then turn around and apologize. He would promise me things and not follow through. He would lie, I would type, we would have screaming arguments over the phone. He would block me on social media and I wouldn’t return his texts. He would tell me to leave the relationship if I wasn’t happy, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t walk away from someone that I had fought so hard for and that I cared about. I no longer felt like just Bailey. I felt like Bailey and Kevin. I needed his approval in everything I did. I wasnt allowed to have relationships with other boys, or call him at certian times, or say things he didnt like. Walking away from him meant leaving half of myself behind. I felt like I could never be ready for that. Typically after our fights we would always apologize, swear to change, and come back to each other the next morning. I had no idea who I was around him. Ive never had someone who could make me back down. Ive never had someone alter the way I view myself. Still, I trudged on and refused to let go. 

Around May I stared struggling with the idea of walking away from him forever. My friends and family would notice the problems Kevin was causing in my life. They basically begged me to let go, offering me unlimited support in leaving him behind. I chose Kevin over them every time. This was around the first time I was honest with Kevin about my feelings for him, and how his relationships made me feel. Unlike usual Kevin told me that he could never take our relationship to the next level because of the distance. He blamed everything on the stone cold fact that I wasn’t there, and I never would be. That was my first serious heartbreak. Id like to pretend that I accepted the rejection with grace and maintained a long distance friendship with someone I used to love…But I didnt. I contemplated leaving my family, my friends, my education and my future behind for Kevin. I was so brainwashed I wanted to throw my entire life away to ensure that I would make Kevin as happy as he made me. I wanted to give up everything to be with Kevin. He promised me the only reason we weren’t together was because the distance couldnt go unnoticed, so I was ready to finally diminish the heart wrenching hundreds of miles that were between us. 

Big mistake.

A few days ago I noticed that he randomly blocked me on Instagram. When I asked him about it he told me that “three girls had made him their #mcm and he didnt want me getting jealous and freaking out” Whatever? I thought. Because as time went on I started to shake Kevin off. I figured eventually we would find our way back to eachother; so I never had to give up on the idea of us being together. When he unblocked me I went to the ONE (not three??) girl whom had made Kevin her #mcm out of curiosity.

She lived 20 hours away from him. She wrote a paragraph about their online relationship and how the distance meant nothing to them because they were in love. 

I genuinely felt like someone had ripped my heart in half. After reading their comments to each other I was physically ill. (I still am days later typing this and recollecting the events) I had never felt this way with any of the other girls he had messed with. Why did he lie about the distance being a factor in our relationship? Why did he replace me as his online affair? Did he ever care about me? How could he drag me along for so long? Along with questions I was bonbarded with feelings or worthlessness and self doubt. I felt like the only boy who could ever love me for me, was lying all along. 

I confronted him and we had a full argument over the phone. He told me it was none of my business, considering we were only friends. That wasn’t the point? I was devastated that someone could have such double standards. I was disgusted with myself for sticking around this long, when his words were clearly empty. For some reason during our phone conversation that day I allowed him talk me into calming down; I allowed him to talk me into staying in his life.

After several hours of thinking, crying and writing messages I’ll never send, I decided to officially walk away from him forever. I deleted all the “i-love-yous” and “i-miss-yous” that I have been saving for a year. I sent him one last goodbye, something I have done hundreds of times. I was hoping to get some closure out of him, but I’ve accepted that will never happen. Im sick of ripping open my scars from him and calling it getting closure. I just want to be done. But I can’t shake missing him, missing us, missing what could have been.

To this day I don’t know why I care about him so much. My friends like to remind me how fake he was in our relationship; how much he manipulated and used me. I think of how bitter I was toward him, from all the times he hurt me and I looked the other way. I feel like its my fault he messed with my head. I’ve never felt more pathetic and immature in my life. How did i manage to become so attached to someone who clearly never cared about me? I understand why he kept me around. I put up with his bullshit, I was always there for him, I stood by his side though thick and thin, I’d give him anything he asked for, I made him laugh, I was the longest relationship he’s had. Not because he cared about me and my well being. He used me, I abused him. It was never meant to be. It took me years to accept that. I never walked away in the beginning because I looked at him like he put stars in the sky….to be completely honest I still do. But now I understand that I’m not the person who shoots for the stars. I shoot for the moon, and one day…I’ll find my moon.

If you’re out there, Goodbye Kevin. I have nothing left to say to you.

Love Always,
Bailey Danielle