Goodbye Stars

So much emotion went into this last year. Its crazy for me to think about my growth and that while I still havent found love Ive found healthier heartaches to bitch about.

centaurus A

*Names have been changed out of respect for the parties involved

Roughly a year ago I began casually chatting people online, basically out of boredom. That’s when I came across this southern boy my age that lived about four states away. His name was Kevin*. In the beginning we started talking as friends. To be completely honest, at this point in my life I had things going on that I didn’t want in the open. It was surprisingly easy to confide in someone who had no way to spill my secrets! Kevin and I were there for each other; it was like he filled a void in my life. Most of the time I would talk and he would listen. We grew up in the same situations, had the same ideals and most importantly believed in eachother when no one else would. Shortly after we became inseparable Kevin admitted to…

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found. 

“nothing else matters now youre not here. so where are you? i been callin you. i been missin you.”
i think about you. more than i should. i miss the taste of your words and the feel of your t-shirts againts my bare skin. ive called. but i think that im scared to hear your voice again. when the richness runs into my ears it will swallow my heart again. i cant miss you anymore. 

“where else can i go? chasing you?” 

i know your knees tremble when youre nervous. and you sleep on your left side. i know you cried after your mom drove off and how little credit you give yourself. i dont need to chase you, you live inside my head. i packed your bags awhile ago. i think its time for you to leave. 

“memories turn to dust. please dont bury us. i got you.” 

i dont remember who i was before i was yours. but i know that you were never mine. i tucked each word you gave me into a sacred cabinet. cherished. because it was from you. because it was ours. but in reality you didnt care to remember a single sentence i gave you. i got you. for months i had you. i built your ego and encouraged your talent. i brought you out of your shell. and you gave me sweet nothings and broken promises. 

“i aint runnin from myself no more. im ready to face it all” 

im tired. im tired of missing the love that i slaved over. the work i put in. the time i wasted. when did i start fighting for you? you fought to keep me. thats how we started. before i let you take the lead. im tired of putting you ahead of myself. its time i took charge of my life, without you. because i know that i am worth fighting for. and that i dont want to fight to be yours anymore. i want to be mine. 

“if i lose myself i lose it all” 

when you left i didnt lose you. i lost myself. i will never allow that happen again. 

(lyrics accredited to Naughty Boy, Beyoncé & Arrow Benjamin “Runnin'”)  

daisy buchannon

the flowers are dead.

the flowers died along with your relationship. they withered and they crumbled as his voice grew distant and his patience grew thin. he no longer wants you. the flowers no longer want to live.

the daises were white. free. oblivious to beauty they brought to the world.  your love was red. powerful. as passionate as two sweaty teenagers fumbling around in the back seat of a car for the first time. when simply your thoughts of each other were strong enough to fog up the windows. your promises rolling off his tongue, his hands grasped the back of your head, your hearts beating in unity: because your souls merged into one. he became apart of you. you needed him to be stable, the way flowers need soil to grow. while you were connected to someone permanently you’ve never felt more  free; more oblivious to the world around you. you have never felt more like the daises.

the flowers did not die peacefully. they withered slowly and painfully. their stems sunk in with your cheeks, they lost their shine like he lost the light in his eyes when someone said your name, the petals could no longer hold on in the breeze of the slamming doors or you running away from each other problems. the soil dried up and all the tears you shed over him couldn’t return it to its rich state. you stopped appreciating the daises, you stopped asking him about his day, he stopped telling you good morning. as the daisies went grey your love went black. the damage was irreparable. the color was lost.

as the flowers grew weaker you attempted to save them. your tried to dig them up and replant them, you begged him to come lay in your bed and forget about the fighting. forget about the other girl. you tried to talk the flowers into holding on, you tried to remind him what he first saw in you. but you had ditched the soil that you grew together in, in a final attempt to save the wreckage. he was already gone and the flowers could not reestablish their roots.

how did you let something as simple and brilliant as love slip through your fingers? how did you manage to ruin the only person strong enough to attempt to rebuild the ruins that have been collecting dust inside you? how did you run off the sunshine bringing you the nutrients you needed to grow? why didn’t you try to water his love before it was too late? why are you still attempting to dig up your past lover? when will you understand that no matter how hard you try, his seeds will no longer grow for you? that his seeds are no longer yours to plant?

i dont know. i just know the flowers are dead.