dripping like a smoothe choclate glaze. smothering the cracks of a soul that broke itself in order to let the light in. the thickness desperately seeping into each crevice and declaring it his home. i thought the darkness would rock me to sleep. occupy my mind long enough to put me to rest. have you ever witnessed the fluidity of sweet promises crystalizing peace into a mind gone mad? its comforting. but the drizzles did not work for me. instead it scratched out the childlike hope in my veins and replaced it with
like my lashes. i painted each one like velvet. perfection. as black as the ice of a winters night that thrills from the screams of its victims before the sun gets a chance to shine. jet black veils shading the holes within my face. covering the galaxies from gazing upon themself. i allowed them to glisten but never rain. never cry. when my demons were fed stars danced within my pupils. however the stars were not light. they were reflections from years ago. reminding me of the wrong and the unjust. the joyful memories that used to dwell there turned to combustion and dust. they
the chip on my shoulder became hands steadily wrapped around my neck as i clawed for air. but neatly hope sat in the back of my head, that he would clench his fist and finally release me from this shell. my mind sat like an abandoned bee hive craving the crazed buzzing noises of thoughts and revelations. craving the voices of stangers of friends of lovers. i sat in silence. i sat on my knees glaring out a window calling to anyones God, if Hes out there, please send me a shooting star. all i want is one goddamn wish to bring myself back. i just want to be happy again. God please let me be happy again. im
like an exhausted foot tapping i sat impatiently waiting for his arrival. to feel the oblivion of a fix. to be swaddled in the arms of myself before my flaws were stitched into my sleeves. when they left me on empty i lashed out. broke hundreds of memories, shattered every bridge i attempted to save. punched holes in the walls and kicked and screamed until they had to forcibly remove me from their lives. i did not go down easy. like a hell bent son defending his father i stood by my happinesses side. refusing to let go of his hand, even when it was only in my
every part of me is empty. is bitter. is angry. but i like to pretend that it isnt. i trace the smiles of my peers across my lips and lace my hair with bright colored flowers and bountiful curls. i speak softly. i speak rationally. i use the white streaks of the lightening electrifying the storms inside me to light a fire. a fire that lights up the words “denial” and “hopeless” and “save this fucking ship” across my face like the las vegas strip. but unlike the boulevard no one reads my signs. i do not have time to read them aloud. no one comes to save me after ive hung my face out to dry. in the blissfulness of night when chills run up my spine and the darkness opens his doors to let me back inside. he smells like coffee. god i love coffee. maybe i am in denial. maybe my soul is black and my mind has collapsed and im just begging for something for someone to see past the imaginary image ive projected of myself. but maybe it doesnt matter. because these are nothing more than
“whether its drugs, booze, sex, religion or hope. we’re all addicted to something”
do you think of me?
do you think of me when you drive past a convertible as candy apple red as mine? how we used to drive around for hours; music blaring, clearing our minds, fingers intertwined. getting lost and pulling into abandon parking lots at 2am. do you see my seat covers and remember our arguments? over whether mcdonalds or burger kings fries are better. or whose turn it was to drive home.
do you think of me?
do you think of me when you hear my music? the songs i forced you to listen to? the songs you became familiar with as i became familiar with your body? do you stumble across an underground rapper and want to tell me about them? or miss me texting you lyrics at 7am? along with words of encouragement when you needed an extra push. do you ever look up to the stands and look for my smile?
do you think of me?
do you think of me when she whispers in your ear? or as she bites her lips and fulfills all my promises to you? can you still taste my lips and smell my perfume? i bet she does things that remind you of me, but i hope she doesnt do them as well. when you lock yours with those chocolate eyes, do you ever see mine? my big brown eyes looking up at you, gleaming because youre mine. youd always be mine. or so we thought.
do you think of me?
do you think its me when you get a call at 3am? barely able to speak but clear enough to remind you how in love with you i am? do you ever get worried that i am lost again? or falling in parking lots on clear august nights? when you see a girl throwing back shots do you remember the times i tried to out drink you but ended up swaddled in your arms. does it bother you that you are no longer my midnight kiss? or the arms i run into? do you realize im no longer there?
i think of you.
i think of you when the lights turn down. i think of how calm your hands felt trying to steady mine. i think of your smell, even though i washed it away months ago. i think of you when he kisses my neck. and him. and him. i look for you in the drivers seat of every grey truck passing by. i think about our snapchats, our songs, our jokes, our words, our love. i think of you when people tell me im too much. i think of how many times you told me you didn’t hate me, that you never could. i still think about texting you. i still think you were the best thing to ever happen to me.
i think about trading all our memories for our moments back.
“nothing else matters now youre not here. so where are you? i been callin you. i been missin you.”
i think about you. more than i should. i miss the taste of your words and the feel of your t-shirts againts my bare skin. ive called. but i think that im scared to hear your voice again. when the richness runs into my ears it will swallow my heart again. i cant miss you anymore.
“where else can i go? chasing you?”
i know your knees tremble when youre nervous. and you sleep on your left side. i know you cried after your mom drove off and how little credit you give yourself. i dont need to chase you, you live inside my head. i packed your bags awhile ago. i think its time for you to leave.
“memories turn to dust. please dont bury us. i got you.”
i dont remember who i was before i was yours. but i know that you were never mine. i tucked each word you gave me into a sacred cabinet. cherished. because it was from you. because it was ours. but in reality you didnt care to remember a single sentence i gave you. i got you. for months i had you. i built your ego and encouraged your talent. i brought you out of your shell. and you gave me sweet nothings and broken promises.
“i aint runnin from myself no more. im ready to face it all”
im tired. im tired of missing the love that i slaved over. the work i put in. the time i wasted. when did i start fighting for you? you fought to keep me. thats how we started. before i let you take the lead. im tired of putting you ahead of myself. its time i took charge of my life, without you. because i know that i am worth fighting for. and that i dont want to fight to be yours anymore. i want to be mine.
“if i lose myself i lose it all”
when you left i didnt lose you. i lost myself. i will never allow that happen again.
(lyrics accredited to Naughty Boy, Beyoncé & Arrow Benjamin “Runnin'”)