paIn.

its falling in love with heartbreak. because when he kissed my neck the gun pressed against my temple didnt feel so cold. he held my hand while he filled the syringe, swallowing the needle in pools of insults. insulting every variance that made me, me. not before long i learned to shoot the poison into my own veins. sharing his needles, willing to openly inject his pain in between my toes. as my heart exploded i smiled, threw my head back in ecstasy. the night i decided to get sober he held a pillow over my face. love is suffocating my soul, and i love it.

its all five stages of grief at once. bitter streaks of anger dancing around a cloud of denial. i closed my eyes and ran the knife across my throat, out of sight out of mind. swearing on my brothers grave that i will get help tomorrow, pretending i can walk away at any time. offering the soul of my mother in exchange for my freedom. waking up early every day to fertilize a field of blossoming daises, knowing that nothing will ever grow inside me. being beaten by hatred and consoled by emptiness. accepting that if this is all life has to offer, i  don’t want to be apart of it anymore.

its drowning in your own bed. the darkness of 4am rubs my back and crawls up my nose. i carved out my rational mind to build her a home between my eyes. she whispers. always whispering. making promises she cant keep. i believed her assuring me there is beauty in pain; as the weight of the water slowly crush my ribs. even when my eyes are open im bathing in black. inhaling water is peaceful. the rush of tears into my lungs numbed her voice. the bottom of the ocean is cold, it is empty. those who sit on the floor sit alone. i thanked the man who risked his life to save me, but hated him for not letting my drown.

its liberating. its uncertainty. its morbid. watching an abused wife pull the trigger; finally releasing her husbands hands from her neck. the day your rapist is sentenced to life in prison, the day your dad is put on parole. shaking the hand of the man who beat your sister to death. acing the test you studied for. anorexia during thanksgiving. storming out of a room and being chased by the love of your life. holding pieces of your lovers skull in your hands. swearing you can change the devil. never having to wake up. all at the same time.

its realizing that she lied. there is no beauty in pain.

i miss it every day 

piece by pieceĀ 

a flake. 

a flake for each boy ive parted my lips for. making room for their pride and spitting out my dignity. swallowing every notion they give to me, as meaningless and spiteful as they sounded i absorbed them. played them back in my head a thousand times. opened my mouth to return the favor, but my words bounced right back. as if it never mattered. 

a sliver. 

a sliver for the boy in the blue vest, eyeing me from across the room. telling me im beautiful. more beautiful than my friends. more beautiful than his ex. more beautiful than my ex deserved. thats the part that won me. but in his head hes silently plotting the makings of an unmade bed. tussled from his satisfaction and smothered with my emptiness. his teeth are clenched because even though im beautiful, hes forgotten my name. 

a piece. 

a piece for all the faces that have faded. they each got a piece of their own. a piece to hold and hurt and wipe away their tears. a piece to mean something. expecting more and more of me, but eventually my laughs and smiles turned to eye rolls and ignored text messages. i lost the will the be accepted and gained the responsibility of misery. not after long they left. ultimately being my fault. i didnt think it would bother me, until i realized how many of them there was. 

a chunk. 

a chunk for every knife thats stabbed me in the back. promised me one thing, while doing another. reminding me how terrible i am. how many mistakes ive made. then watching them desperately trying to pull it out and act like nothing happened. act like the scars dont exsist. act like it was my fault in the first place. i guess it was. 

a wedge. 

a wedge for the boy who held me for days. held my hand and my hair and my waist.  i dont think i stopped smiling the entire year he ran his fingers through my hair. your smell is wedged in my pillows and the feel of your lips is wedged in places of me i cant bare to let another explore. the pieces of you that you left with me arent worth much. nothing compared to the piece i gave you. 
i know why i feel so empty. because i have nothing left to give.