piece by piece 

a flake. 

a flake for each boy ive parted my lips for. making room for their pride and spitting out my dignity. swallowing every notion they give to me, as meaningless and spiteful as they sounded i absorbed them. played them back in my head a thousand times. opened my mouth to return the favor, but my words bounced right back. as if it never mattered. 

a sliver. 

a sliver for the boy in the blue vest, eyeing me from across the room. telling me im beautiful. more beautiful than my friends. more beautiful than his ex. more beautiful than my ex deserved. thats the part that won me. but in his head hes silently plotting the makings of an unmade bed. tussled from his satisfaction and smothered with my emptiness. his teeth are clenched because even though im beautiful, hes forgotten my name. 

a piece. 

a piece for all the faces that have faded. they each got a piece of their own. a piece to hold and hurt and wipe away their tears. a piece to mean something. expecting more and more of me, but eventually my laughs and smiles turned to eye rolls and ignored text messages. i lost the will the be accepted and gained the responsibility of misery. not after long they left. ultimately being my fault. i didnt think it would bother me, until i realized how many of them there was. 

a chunk. 

a chunk for every knife thats stabbed me in the back. promised me one thing, while doing another. reminding me how terrible i am. how many mistakes ive made. then watching them desperately trying to pull it out and act like nothing happened. act like the scars dont exsist. act like it was my fault in the first place. i guess it was. 

a wedge. 

a wedge for the boy who held me for days. held my hand and my hair and my waist.  i dont think i stopped smiling the entire year he ran his fingers through my hair. your smell is wedged in my pillows and the feel of your lips is wedged in places of me i cant bare to let another explore. the pieces of you that you left with me arent worth much. nothing compared to the piece i gave you. 
i know why i feel so empty. because i have nothing left to give. 

found. 

“nothing else matters now youre not here. so where are you? i been callin you. i been missin you.”
i think about you. more than i should. i miss the taste of your words and the feel of your t-shirts againts my bare skin. ive called. but i think that im scared to hear your voice again. when the richness runs into my ears it will swallow my heart again. i cant miss you anymore. 

“where else can i go? chasing you?” 

i know your knees tremble when youre nervous. and you sleep on your left side. i know you cried after your mom drove off and how little credit you give yourself. i dont need to chase you, you live inside my head. i packed your bags awhile ago. i think its time for you to leave. 

“memories turn to dust. please dont bury us. i got you.” 

i dont remember who i was before i was yours. but i know that you were never mine. i tucked each word you gave me into a sacred cabinet. cherished. because it was from you. because it was ours. but in reality you didnt care to remember a single sentence i gave you. i got you. for months i had you. i built your ego and encouraged your talent. i brought you out of your shell. and you gave me sweet nothings and broken promises. 

“i aint runnin from myself no more. im ready to face it all” 

im tired. im tired of missing the love that i slaved over. the work i put in. the time i wasted. when did i start fighting for you? you fought to keep me. thats how we started. before i let you take the lead. im tired of putting you ahead of myself. its time i took charge of my life, without you. because i know that i am worth fighting for. and that i dont want to fight to be yours anymore. i want to be mine. 

“if i lose myself i lose it all” 

when you left i didnt lose you. i lost myself. i will never allow that happen again. 

(lyrics accredited to Naughty Boy, Beyoncé & Arrow Benjamin “Runnin'”)