Sincerely- B,

**We had to write this type of poem for my english class, about and exhibit in a museum! I chose to write about the “Bee Tree.” Really my first attempt at using this kind of stanza structure. Hope yall like it. Love you, happy Wednesday**

Black. Like the earth smothered
by nighttime. A never ending
infinity of wide open sky. But the heavens cant
be reached without the air stealing my breath.

Yellow. Like the marriage between
the rich sunlight and my primal need
keeping the flowers alive. But, still, they would
be nothing with out the rain.

Queen. Cloaked in warmth and dignity.
The love between us as beautiful and
pure as the honey drizzling down my jar.
Here she left me,

Alone. This hive is crowded,
the constant hums altering the
natural rhythm of my own broken heart.
I don’t know who I am without her.

Flowers. I nursed my infatuation for
you. Allowed it to blossom, cradled in
tightly. Close to my heart as we melted into one.
Now the flowers are dead.

Buzzing. Monotone screams,
reminding me this is home.
Drowning in the cries of mirror images
of things I no longer want to be.

Open. This space is overwhelmed
by freedom. However the constraints of
the ghost of my infatuation keep
me coming home.

Fly. She is no longer my home. I just want
this humming to stop. Buzzing to stop.
Heartbreak to stop. This hive has nothing
more to offer me. I think that its time for me to fly.

Good-bye.

dIrty

your whispers danced in my head as the room flooded with sounds of rushing water. promises. words. water. guarantees. validation. water. i picked apart each sentence. evaluated the meaning behind each word, searching for any reason to discredit you. over analyzed. my questions regarding your motives, answered by the clarity flowing from the  faucet.

your hands peeled my clothes away. soft palms running along my back, stripping my shirt over my head. leaving my hair to delicately drop across my shoulders. bony fingers dismantled the the locks behind my back, setting my soul free. the same fingers hooked around my sanity and slowly slid it to the ground. my body clothed with nothing more than your eyes.

a single glare caused lumps to form in the pit of my stomach and butterflies to flutter up my throat. as if my body was a cold glass of water presented in front of a man dying of thirst. brown eyes breaking their lock on my body to connect with my own innocent gaze. watching my reaction to your lips pressing against my skin.

steam poured from inside me as your lips familiarized with my body. mthe vibrations of your voice left my mind blank, left my back arched, left my fingers tousled in your curls. the longer your skin married into mine, the harder for me to catch my breath. pink lips decorating my collar bone. my stomach. my thighs. pink lips that coaxed me into the bath you had drawn for us.

submerged in water i waited for you to wrap your arms around me. hold me steady. hold me safely inside the warmth of your wet bare skin. instead i sat confused as you ran my naked body along ribbed boards. erased the clarity from my water with a thick smell of bleach. held my head under suds and rang the life out of my body.

you have to wash your dirty laundry, before you hang it out to dry.

 

mIstakes.

the light reflected the dew forming around your hairline. little rain droplets created from the intensity of your hips grinding against mine. dripping. like the soap bubbles smothering my moms sudan. cleansing. washing the dirt away. i sat behind the driver in silence. powerless. feeling the humming of the machines beating the side of the car. pulsing. allowing the vibrations to finesse their way into my skin. breaking the flesh. i liked the pressure, because it was

welcoming.

i slid my fingers along the ridges of your body. never in my life have my hands felt so full. the groves of my finger tips melting into the follicles that covered your entirety. warmth. the cold air that rushed across my bare skin was nothing compared to the warmth of your breath. lust is explainable. like dancing in warm snow flakes. my mother always told me that when you played in the cold too long, one would eventually get

sick.

parts of my body did not belong to me anymore. they were yours. i wrapped my lips around your pride and held your ego in my hands, never feeling more powerless. i placed my mouth on yours to stop sweet nothings from spewing past your lips, but instead the richness of your voice reeked havoc inside me. i stopped holding onto you for stability. i reached for you at 3pm when the weight of the world fell onto my shoulders. falling into an unexpected

feeling.

i felt your presence move further and further up from my hips. eventually all birds fly home after the winter. my heart could not stay frozen forever. i looked the other way when you etched your name into the ice. i could no longer control my mind from going blank when you danced inside me. i felt your eyes graze across my body. exposed. i felt your heart race when you slide your hands up back. satisfied. i felt your breath grow heavy when your eyes locked to mine. bliss. i felt the sincerity in your voice when you asked me to

stay.

like a timid animal i crawled into your arms. slept soundly. peacefully. calmed by the notion that the seeds growing inside me were sewed by you. i found a home next to you, swaddled by your ideas and saturated in your world. you spent less time with my hands in your hair and more wrapped around my finger. but people don’t change. now that i know her name i don’t want to know yours anymore. however starry eyed i allowed you to sign the most intimate places of me months ago. when you call my name i cant fight the instinct to come running. i think ive made a

mistake.

 

 

 

 

paIn.

its falling in love with heartbreak. because when he kissed my neck the gun pressed against my temple didnt feel so cold. he held my hand while he filled the syringe, swallowing the needle in pools of insults. insulting every variance that made me, me. not before long i learned to shoot the poison into my own veins. sharing his needles, willing to openly inject his pain in between my toes. as my heart exploded i smiled, threw my head back in ecstasy. the night i decided to get sober he held a pillow over my face. love is suffocating my soul, and i love it.

its all five stages of grief at once. bitter streaks of anger dancing around a cloud of denial. i closed my eyes and ran the knife across my throat, out of sight out of mind. swearing on my brothers grave that i will get help tomorrow, pretending i can walk away at any time. offering the soul of my mother in exchange for my freedom. waking up early every day to fertilize a field of blossoming daises, knowing that nothing will ever grow inside me. being beaten by hatred and consoled by emptiness. accepting that if this is all life has to offer, i  don’t want to be apart of it anymore.

its drowning in your own bed. the darkness of 4am rubs my back and crawls up my nose. i carved out my rational mind to build her a home between my eyes. she whispers. always whispering. making promises she cant keep. i believed her assuring me there is beauty in pain; as the weight of the water slowly crush my ribs. even when my eyes are open im bathing in black. inhaling water is peaceful. the rush of tears into my lungs numbed her voice. the bottom of the ocean is cold, it is empty. those who sit on the floor sit alone. i thanked the man who risked his life to save me, but hated him for not letting my drown.

its liberating. its uncertainty. its morbid. watching an abused wife pull the trigger; finally releasing her husbands hands from her neck. the day your rapist is sentenced to life in prison, the day your dad is put on parole. shaking the hand of the man who beat your sister to death. acing the test you studied for. anorexia during thanksgiving. storming out of a room and being chased by the love of your life. holding pieces of your lovers skull in your hands. swearing you can change the devil. never having to wake up. all at the same time.

its realizing that she lied. there is no beauty in pain.

i miss it every day 

f3Lt.

i felt it in my soul when he slid his hands up my shirt. i wanted it. i wanted more. i wanted the distraction of coffee stained teeth and track marked infested veins. the illness of another resting in my hands. in my soul. my soul was a slave to his desire. i needed what  he wanted. its impossible to feel empty when someone else is inside your head. 

i felt it in my hands. cold. the icy rivers of black tar running through my veins caused my hands to tremble. they went numb looking for warmth. but when the blood red charcoals of freshly lit cigarettes glistened towards me i couldn’t resit welcoming her home. feeling her jolt of warmth run through my body. the bubbling of my skin no longer mattered, because i was in love with the buzzing in my fingertips after i touched her body.

i felt it in my back. an urge. a craving for bloody knuckles and gasping for air. to feel the pride of another deflate as my hands pulled them down. my eyes shooting glares of hatred, my mouth spewing words of disgust. my rationality holding back the blood thirsty monster in my spine. there is no angry with me. there is a a thick concoction of rage boiling over at the base of my body. there is a primal need to exhibit destruction that is nestled between my joints. i have never seen red; i’ve felt it.

i felt it in my teeth. crawling. squirming. i instructed my brain to remain logical. to chase away the voices of the monsters under my bed. clenching my teeth, begging my mouth to stop opening the gateway between my irrational mind and the world. eventually, it did. when i lost my voice the spindle in my head that once constantly weaved elaborate webs, stood still. i attempted to scream, to speak louder, to try to regain control of the machinery responsible for my sanity. but i couldn’t. the silence haunts me, knowing i asked for this emptiness.

i felt your pain break my heart. i tilted my head like a confused animal when attempting to identify the source. as if i didn’t know. while a mothers intuition saved the child, curiosity killed the cat. so i watched your life like re-runs of Sunday morning cartoons. forgetting that your existence blossomed beyond the visible parts on the screen. i spent ten months so indulged in myself, id almost forgotten you were missing. when you stopped returning my calls, i showed up at your door. i expected the welcoming smile of the child that had once saved my life. but rather i was greeted by a hurried note stapled to the door declaring you no longer lived here. when my search for your sanity grew weary, i grew physically ill. in vain, i found you. my mind went blank when i realized you were the one staring back at me, every time i looked in the mirror. two decades of my misery flashed in front of me when i looked into your eyes. unknowingly i held the door to the deepest shadows of my heart break open, and you found a home. i can never forgive myself for that. i don’t sleep much anymore. wondering that if i hate myself, how can i love you? 

i am an all-or-nothing type of person. in the terms that i do not feel emotions properly. i misplace them. i feel nothing as they manifest in various parts of my body. however, when they demand to be felt, i cannot get out of bed as they feast on my well being. but eventually i will feel nothing again. 

im so sorry i hurt you. 

addicted. 

words. 

dripping like a smoothe choclate glaze. smothering the cracks of a soul that broke itself in order to let the light in. the thickness desperately seeping into each crevice and declaring it his home. i thought the darkness would rock me to sleep. occupy my mind long   enough to put me to rest. have you ever witnessed the fluidity of sweet promises crystalizing peace into a mind gone mad? its comforting. but the drizzles did not work for me. instead it scratched out the childlike hope in my veins and replaced it with

black. 

like my lashes. i painted each one like velvet. perfection. as black as the ice of a winters night that thrills from the screams of its victims before the sun gets a chance to shine. jet black veils shading the holes within my face. covering the galaxies from gazing upon themself. i allowed them to glisten but never rain. never cry. when my demons were fed stars danced within my pupils. however the stars were not light. they were reflections from years ago. reminding me of the wrong and the unjust. the joyful memories that used to dwell there turned to combustion and dust. they 

collapsed. 

the chip on my shoulder became hands steadily wrapped around my neck as i clawed for air. but neatly hope sat in the back of my head, that he would clench his fist and finally release me from this shell. my mind sat like an abandoned bee hive craving the crazed buzzing noises of thoughts and revelations. craving the voices of stangers of friends of lovers. i sat in silence. i sat on my knees glaring out a window calling to anyones God, if Hes out there, please send me a shooting star. all i want is one goddamn wish to bring myself back. i just want to be happy again. God please let me be happy again. im 

begging. 

like an exhausted foot tapping i sat impatiently waiting for his arrival. to feel the oblivion of a fix. to be swaddled in the arms of myself before my flaws were stitched into my sleeves. when they left me on empty i lashed out. broke hundreds of memories, shattered every bridge i attempted to save. punched holes in the walls and kicked and screamed until they had to forcibly remove me from their lives. i did not go down easy. like a hell bent son defending his father i stood by my happinesses side. refusing to let go of his hand, even when it was only in my

imagination. 

every part of me is empty. is bitter. is angry. but i like to pretend that it isnt. i trace the smiles of my peers across my lips and lace my hair with bright colored flowers and bountiful curls. i speak softly. i speak rationally. i use the white streaks of the lightening electrifying the storms inside me to light a fire. a fire that lights up the words “denial” and “hopeless” and “save this fucking ship” across my face like the las vegas strip. but unlike the boulevard no one reads my signs. i do not have time to read them aloud. no one comes to save me after ive hung my face out to dry. in the blissfulness of night when chills run up my spine and the darkness opens his doors to let me back inside. he smells like coffee. god i love coffee.  maybe i am in denial. maybe my soul is black and my mind has collapsed and im just begging for something for someone to see past the imaginary image ive projected of myself. but maybe it doesnt matter. because these are nothing more than 

words. 

“whether its drugs, booze, sex, religion or hope. we’re all addicted to something” 

Goodbye Stars

So much emotion went into this last year. Its crazy for me to think about my growth and that while I still havent found love Ive found healthier heartaches to bitch about.

centaurus A

*Names have been changed out of respect for the parties involved

Roughly a year ago I began casually chatting people online, basically out of boredom. That’s when I came across this southern boy my age that lived about four states away. His name was Kevin*. In the beginning we started talking as friends. To be completely honest, at this point in my life I had things going on that I didn’t want in the open. It was surprisingly easy to confide in someone who had no way to spill my secrets! Kevin and I were there for each other; it was like he filled a void in my life. Most of the time I would talk and he would listen. We grew up in the same situations, had the same ideals and most importantly believed in eachother when no one else would. Shortly after we became inseparable Kevin admitted to…

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