twIce

me

what a burden it is to breathe. sleeping is tiring. i watch in agony while my sanity climbs out the window. all night, my mind maintains conversations with herself. if only the emptiness found a home inside my head. my skin thickens. my blood pools along the flesh clinging to my bed. just move. just get up. i cant. my once primal need to control is shattered. lost amongst memories. anxiety feasts on my body. just let it consume me.

they

let me lay in the ashes of the bridges theyve burned. i envy their peace. as each day passes, wonder creeps up on me. what did i do wrong? whats wrong with me? why did i fail you? years of routines abandoned. without a single good bye. break the wall of silence if only to tell me how you recovered from my loss. tell me how worthless my presence in your life has ben. whisper in my ear the optimicéis of my friendship. burn me like the bridge between us. ill do anything for that peace of mind.

mine

my heart breaks into three. i buried a piece with each of you. the last of me is left to rot. the lonely chip of my soul aches to feel you. see you. have your presence acknowledged. when you were ripped from me the loneliness smothered me. i mourned you alone. begged god for peace alone. now i feel comfort in the void. im so sick of being bothered.

he

i-love-yous start to feel like routine smiles by polite strangers. i dont know whats wrong with me. my hope for us is fleeting. i wait for the next disappointment. booze seeps from your pores, resentment from mine. i tried so hard to understand. i no longer care to. when you come to me with your spiraling ideas twisted inside webs of anger and heart ache all that i have to offer is blank stares. why cant you just get better? i lay down in your bed of lies and attempt to justify your mistakes. i just want the discontent we feel for one another to end. there is no sustainability when i long to let go of the silence. i have never dreamt of falling out of love with you. instead i ache to crush the bones that hold this miserable body together. dare i reveal how often it crosses my mind that i hate myself for not hating the lies and manipulation and addiction and most importantly, you?

only a fool makes the same mistake twice.

only a fool makes the same mistake twice.

only a fool makes the same mistake t w i c e.

FEELiNGS

i like you.

appreciation. consumed by falsehoods. if the universe is real, she created me for you.

i fell right into your arms.

i encourage the world to melt around me. let this moment freeze in time. you drag me into your reality that i am no as bad as i seem. i reciprocate the pleasantry. the best of me radiates out of your skin. the warmth of your smile, like sunlight on my body. nourishing your seeds sewn into my soul.

i feel i could right you.

you spit poison into my mouth. i never considered not swallowing. i need to feel your clarity run through my veins. i rationalize each dose. if i can fix you, any pain is bearable. in my own deterioration, i ignore your pleas for anyone but me. how can i stop drowning in you? you carve my imperfections into my mind. you feel emptiness inside me. im too high to notice.

i feel cold in your arms.

my sanity rest with the sun. i have grown to despise the moon. in the darkness she reads aloud the story of us. as if the ending can be rewritten by the stars. betrayal. like clock work im surrounded by lies. each night, i desperately beg myself to fit into the shell youve created for me. each night, the plots plays out the same. messy. every cavity of my body that once danced in your adoration, now smothered by shame. humiliation buzzes around each time i open for you. my door. my body. my being. how cruel is the universe to bring me a lover who loves a feeling, instead of me.

i could die.

yours.

questIons

“after you hang up the phone, will you call 911?”

no.

the blood barrier of my mind is bricks of rational sealed together with sanity. but buried behind her madness exists. shackled. quietly. enticing me. an itch. thats driven by the reality that i cannot scratch it. this arrangement of normality no longer works for me. i need something more. the darkness creates elaborate schemes vivid enough to destroy the barrier that i once needed to survive. good. if you stop talking he will drive us into oncoming traffic.

“did you sleep well?”

no.

im so angry that i cannot stop shaking. its instinct. to destroy. the man who killed my sister is standing within arms length of me. the craving to make them hurt is unbearable. its hatred. i reach to grab them and i cant. paralyzed. like drowning inside an empty wave. no amount of clawing for the surface will bring it to you. the unescapable wave of hatred feasts on me. there is no relief from a nightmare when you carry that helplessness awake. please let me drowned.

“will you come back home?”

no.

i have no want to exist in this dimension. doesnt appeal to me. i dont care if you miss me anymore. when they released me from the hospital, my communication lacked missed calls. no one cared that my sanity lost. i am not willing to put forth more effort than the beloved. this life has nothing left for me. leave it.

“do you want to kiss me?”

no.

intimacy alleviates the pain. the addiction to touch erases the detrimental nightmares that im drowning in. for a moment my worth is plastered across the face of a stranger. validation. i dont feel so bad. the three minutes theyre dependent on my body i can leave it. the negative things they say about me when my clothes reappear are invalid. but only for a moment. theres comfort in any suggestion that i will no longer belong to me.

“are you okay?”

no.

this life appears like a dish of cake batter waiting for the oven to preheat. not finished. the tired cream colored mixture of aspirations and calculated decisions lies as a foundation. trustworthy. but along the way time has slopped in thick globs of rich dark chocolate. swirling the batter with madness. every series of misfortunate events adds more chocolate. more darkness. more deviation. stability relinquished in the void. just let me burn already.

jamestown

denial.

a seed. drenched in simplicity and cracked around the edges. swaddling my shell, you buried it into the uttermost of my core. i nurtured it. granted it permission to share the blood that my heart was pumping. allowed myself to be weak in the presence of something so pure. ignored its harmless burrows into my mind and the obscenities it carved into my skull. he needed to heal. engulfed by his simplicity, i grew softer, happier, more free. without warning, you ripped my seed from the humble home i had created for him. “i found it a new dwelling.” i feel insane without them.

anger.

i dont believe that a hatred more pure then that of a lover exist. because the knife in my back felt more at ease when i held it against your throat. and sublime when i held it against mine. my dreams of pulling your hair and the warmth of your breath replaced by sleepless nights of combing through every flaw that existed between us. i cannot decide who i hate more: you or myself? i desire the release of ripping out my soul and stomping on yours. ill do anything for it to end.

bargaining.

melancholy tapping. anxiety draining from my limbs. contemplating the extents of the sacrifice i’m willing to give to make this hatred for each other go away. removing my retinas seems like an even fate to reverse time. i do not think that i can exist without you. which set of lies is more believable? that you hate me or that you love me? for the latter, i promise to be quieter, kinder, less awake. for a split second i question if love is supposed to be this painful? darkness over comes me; this is not what they meant when they proclaimed love is blind.

depression.

i want to paint a picture of the misery festering inside me. but i dont believe there is a simile devastating enough to relate it to. i lied when i promised myself this separation was temporary. my phone still craves your call. i cannot bare to die for you any longer.

acceptance.

like the settlers, you colonized my heart for the first time. embellished in her resources. found a home. abandoned me for the unexplored territories in the horizon. it used to be bothersome to me that you replaced my adoration so hastily. now its refreshing. my heart healed someone else’s broken soul so efficiently, they were able to care for someone else. was what we had so special, if you could find it in anyone? there are still nights that i cannot help but ache for you. followed by mornings of realization that you decided to leave. it was never my burden to bare. i dont blame one another for our demise. i refuse to find fault or abandon my spirit like you did. she is so brilliant. my body was never a home for your love, your seed, your hatred. she was built to house my dreams of new beginnings. i apologize for the confusion.

BUSiE

buzzing. constantly. a stream of melancholy screams echo-o-oing inside my skull. like a patient mother to her pride and joy i hush each one, individually and by name. i reassure each memory will have their opportunity to be heard. felt. saturated. later. today i am busy.

its 5:34am. my seamless route to work tainted by the thoughts dripping from the corners of my eyes. gone. i needed the overwhelming calm that followed the serenity of opening my soul him. he took them both when he left. i cannot stop the stream of memories escaping from eyes; because they’re no longer mine to have. without warning my mind cycles through each interaction, combing out promises i refuse to recognize as broken. enough. today i am too busy.

3:56am. still i rise has less meaning when i continuously rise with a panic to disappear. my brain took her time with this one. sometimes i can still smell the thick black sharpie she used to strike through the images. breaths. heart beats. seconds. erased. i can still see the feeling. driving. disgust for my helplessness. my lungs inflating to the tune of screams: “i want to go home.” “i want my mommy.” “please stop hurting me.” quiet. i rock myself back to sleep. i am too busy tomorrow.

4:36pm. the middle of my sentence is halted by the self hatred radiating out of my nerves. not enough. not there enough. not nice enough. not skinny enough. not patient enough. not smart enough. not strong enough. the various voices of the souls i’ve let down seeping through each pore on my body. quiet now. not today. today i cannot be enough. this evening i am too busy.

12:34am. my room floods with the darkness of your absence. i can’t scratch the itch to save you; and its driving me mad. my soul attempts to find peace with-in the memories that haunt us. every time she fails. every time she is reminded that apart of your burden is mine to bare. you erase the trauma with toxic powders, while i’m forced to consume them plain. the weight of my memories accompanied by your mistakes is too much to bare. and tonight i am too busy.

6:95pm. exhaustion paints the face of the girl radiating out of my skin. unrecognizable. dark sacks of misfortunate events crowd under the skin surrounding her retinas. today we release them. today we have time. without hesitation i drive an axe though the crowning mold of my mind.

i just want to find what i’m looking for.

they say that no one knows exactly where memories are stored in the human brain. its humbling watching my nightmares buzz out of my cracked skull. i listen to each one. acknowledge each by name. ask the universe, god, the vision itself how i can make peace with its existence. all answer the same:

you can’t.

i cannot bare to be busy any more. respectfully, i decline the offer to return my soul to her shell.

it is too heavy.

and while my mind is plagued with the daunting reality of my troublesome encounters within this lifetime; she is wise enough to know my soul did not deserve any of this.

erosIon

-man.

like a god, no ending and no beginning existed with him. ominous; a separated beauty. when he comes to visit me i am less awake. allowing the collapse of my better judgement. politely, i step out of my body; its his problem to occupy now. in the darkness of night he glides his vices across lifeless limbs. the mutilation of this body is humbling. she deserves it. carefully he packs the shell with sand.

-the sand-

i beg him to stay. he smiles, refuses, closes the door kindly. like a dammed soul dragged to hell im forced to return to the corpse. the sand thickens like cement. walking is tiresome. exhaust swallows me. i try to call out for help, instead droplets of grain spew from my lips. words no longer have meaning. my soul is suffocating in, my brain is drowning in, my hope is evading in these weightless bits of erosion. my only solace is the thought of his return. loneliness evades me, his presence appears in every infamous down fall i find myself existing in.

-am-

im not sure where we are going anymore. he bathes me until the screams bellowing out of my core cease. swaddles me in forgiveness. makes me feel able. petrified of my reality without him, i follow him blindly into the darkness. his whispers are rich, comforting, wholesome. “jump.” its agonizing telling him no. my rationals screams are drowned out by his thoughts echoing inside me. my want to answer her calls is nothing compared to my need to please him. i give up.

I-

as i fall a lifetime of malpractices burrow through my skull. in each of them, i sit alone. its amazing how eroded the mind becomes when it goes mad.

nothIng

vibrant.

a primal need to blossom . life. so beautiful. eager. drowning in the presence of its loyal patrons. i craved interaction with their simultaneously occurring auroras. god the beauty in fostering one another’s creativity. im so in love that i cannot stop smiling. feeling the tremors, laughters, intimates of society gives me butterflies. i never want to go home.

realization.

but mistakes came easily to me. judgement comes easily to them. “odd.” a infinite circle of failing, refocusing and failing again. begging the world for peace. i ask god to remove their eyes from my wrist. i ask the universe to send me a single soul to understand me as i am. how can they when im not making sense? exhausted. begging for acceptance. cloaked in misery. kissed by hatred. every chain mail, and rail road track, and shooting star and lucky penny i beg the stars to make me less. make me like them. make me feel less. i will do anything to be less.

anything.

i sit delicately in front of the mirror with the wire in my lap. hours pass. i pull at the excess disgust swaddling my beloved brain. i quiet her screams. i cant explain the detachment we feel for each other. my mind drizzled with her remarkable intelligence; my soul plagued with immense hatred for my entirety. its time. pierce the skin. “if you cant control their actions, control your reaction” pull tight. “ugly females should say less.” drill through the jaw. “the world would be a better place if you werent in it.” i lace the wire between my jaw. promising myself the sheer pain is nothing compared to the greatness of being less. it takes me months to get it right. the lace is beautiful. before i know it, my voice leaves. the decadent cravings for socialization leave my body. there is no reason to leave my bedroom; i have nothing left to say.

empty.

hatred is such a passionate emotion. is that why so many people feel it for me? my mind shrivels without the nutrients she needs to survive. finally. their laughs echo around inside my empty skull. i carve their words into my bones; in case i ever try to forget. the knives in my back eventually pierce my soul. i encourage her to bleed out. i dont care if it ever gets better. my spirit decays. my emotions rot. finally i feel the ominous weight of

nothing.

burnIng

my body is not a temple.

its a prison.

a hallowed out sanctuary. no one worships here. hatred. jealousy. loneliness. despair. nestled between the bars. all the while hope remains wrongly shackled in a cell of her own. she dreams in black and white. swallowed by the layout of her brilliant escape. refusing to let go of the ideology that she is bigger than this institution. her stories of appeals and tunnels and maps grow fainter as the years pass. time after time, the guards beat her with failure. strip her dignity. laugh at her perseverance. broken. its been three days since her cell was vacated. i dont know what to do without her.

its a shelter.

occupied by the lonely, the dirty, the desperate. i welcome them inside; tormented by the obviousness in their eyes that they would rather be anywhere but here. misery dances along the halls stained by a lifetime of regret. i watch in silence as methamphetamine rots a brittle man from the inside out. i watch in silence as undernourishment devours the once pink faced infant. i watch in silence while a brown eyed beauty finds comfort in tearing at her own flesh. they crowd my soul. begging, pleading, needing for me to save them. i cant.

its a tomb.

surrounded by the souls of the brilliant. i watch in envy as loyal patrons decorate their graves with colors of love, gratefulness, appreciation. awaiting my judgement, i maliciously calculate the severity of a every mistake that i have ever made throughout the course of my time. picking apart a life time of interactions in an attempt to justify them. i cant. its been three years since i accepted that no one is coming for me. i never once questioned why. the silence of rotting alone is too much to bare. every night i wish that my body was a temple.

so that i could burn it to the fucking ground.

I Won’t Mind..

“I won’t mind that you’ll never be mine”

Wow. In the swift breeze of a single sentence the author demonstrates the amount of courage it takes to step back and admire someone from a distance. To have such an abundance of love and respect for a single person you make the unbearable decision to let go of the possibility that their heart will ever belong to you. It’s almost as if he is saying: thank you for existing so effortlessly beautiful, thank you for allowing the simple variances of your day to intertwine with my life, thank you for doing whatever you did that was so powerful you swept me off my feet, your actions caused me to be embodied in this surreal power of love and for that I thank you. “I won’t mind that you’ll never be mine” displays the simplicity of appreciating the age old adage of if you love me, let me go.

In some situations the best thing to do is admire the severity of your feelings for each other. Can you love someone whose intentions for you have changed so rapidly you don’t recognize them? Acknowledge that there  are people in this world who you can no longer make happy. Understand that there are past lovers existing happily with out your smile or your laugh.There will always be people that we miss whom have completely forgotten about us. Its only human. This is the time to be strong. Realize how much more you are worth than someone who doesn’t need the sunshine of your smile in their life. How much more you deserve than someone who is not concerned about how your Mom’s surgery went or how you last final turned out. In order to forget, one must accept being forgotten.

However, maybe you did love each other but the circumstances of your lives forbid you from indulging in that true happiness. When this occurs, this is the time to be ever stronger. Accept your love for them, appreciate it, allow yourself to feel it. And then finally release it; release them. Because true love is accepting the other persons needs and putting them over your own. True love is seeing someone you love with another person and being grateful that they found someone to complete them, the way they completed you. Sometimes, love is simply not enough. A mother can love her baby, but appreciate someone else can give him the life he deserves. A husband can love his wife, but realize that he does not fill her heart anymore. I can love individuals whose minds I will never cross again. Because I won’t mind that they will never be mine.

Love Always,

Bay

Goodbye Stars

*Names have been changed out of respect for the parties involved

Roughly a year ago I began casually chatting people online, basically out of boredom. That’s when I came across this southern boy my age that lived about four states away. His name was Kevin*. In the beginning we started talking as friends. To be completely honest, at this point in my life I had things going on that I didn’t want in the open. It was surprisingly easy to confide in someone who had no way to spill my secrets! Kevin and I were there for each other; it was like he filled a void in my life. Most of the time I would talk and he would listen. We grew up in the same situations, had the same ideals and most importantly believed in eachother when no one else would. Shortly after we became inseparable Kevin admitted to having feelings for me. While I started to care for him, I had to think realistically. Considering the 14 hour distance between us and the fact we had never actually met, I decided there was no way our relationship could develop past friends.

Regardless Kevin and I remained obsessed with eachother; talking all day and night, whether via text or on the phone. Slowly but surely I began to fall for this blue eyed boy telling me how beautiful I was, how strong I could be, how much he needed me in his life. A few months into our “friendship”  he started telling me that he loved me, which was an extremely new experience for me. How could this boy love me if he knew all my secrets, all my struggles, all the things I hated about myself? How do you even know if you love someone? I reassured myself he was confused. And while I had not reciprocated his words, I figured I never could. Because you cannot love someone you’ve never met. Or so I believed.

About four months into our friendship he started to date another girl that lived in his home town. While this was a complete shock, I was really happy for him! To me it was nice to see him happy with someone who could treat him better there than I ever could from here. Shockingly we maintained our friendship like before; we continued to talk and text daily. However even though he was with another girl, his “love” for me remained the same. He continued to tell me he was in love with me and that I was perfect for him almost every call. This put a huge strain on me because I constantly had to wonder why I wasn’t good enough, or why he kept me around. Was I just being jealous? Did I have a right to feel this way? I didnt know. I suppressed my feelings and carried on like it didn’t bother me. Soon into their relationship, I discovered this girl was cheating on him through Facebook! Yes Facebook! When Kevin refused to confront her about it…I did! Kevin was my best  friend, if he wasn’t being man enough to stick up for himself, I would. In the end he ended his relationship with her due to other circumstances.

After this altercation I was “put on probation” by him. He claimed that me stepping into his personal affairs was causing trouble between him and his peers. I started to feel more and more like an idea to him. I felt like he didn’t acknowledge that I was a real person, outside of his phone. During the next six months Kevin began several different relationships with several different girls. In the years I’ve know him, he has had six girlfriends and two girls he’s seriously talked to, that I know of. Through every relationship he had, he maintained ours. I would sit back and watch him tell these girls he loved them, all the while telling me the same things. I felt emotionally used and overall pathetic for not walking away. The strain on me grew heavier and heavier and caused more problems with us. A few of his girlfriends I messaged letting them know who I was and that Kevin was telling the both of us the same things. When they confronted Kevin he would scream at me, tell me I was ruining his chance at happiness then refuse to talk to me. He told them I was delusional, then told me I was the one he wish he could spend the rest of his life with. I would let him walk all over me, because I believed that he still cared about me. He obviously cared about me more than the others, if he kept me around the longest…right? I didn’t want to let go of what grew to be my best friend, my brother, the first guy I cared about on levels I didn’t know existed. And Kevin promised me I would never have to. He continued to feed me the same old lines, on how he would change or stop his irrational behavior. I believed him.

Around this time is when the fighting began. Understand that Kevin and I are both very head strong people, so no matter what the other did, we saw ourselves as right. I would send him paragraphs telling him how much I hated him then turn around and apologize. He would promise me things and not follow through. He would lie, I would type, we would have screaming arguments over the phone. He would block me on social media and I wouldn’t return his texts. He would tell me to leave the relationship if I wasn’t happy, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t walk away from someone that I had fought so hard for and that I cared about. I no longer felt like just Bailey. I felt like Bailey and Kevin. I needed his approval in everything I did. I wasnt allowed to have relationships with other boys, or call him at certian times, or say things he didnt like. Walking away from him meant leaving half of myself behind. I felt like I could never be ready for that. Typically after our fights we would always apologize, swear to change, and come back to each other the next morning. I had no idea who I was around him. Ive never had someone who could make me back down. Ive never had someone alter the way I view myself. Still, I trudged on and refused to let go. 

Around May I stared struggling with the idea of walking away from him forever. My friends and family would notice the problems Kevin was causing in my life. They basically begged me to let go, offering me unlimited support in leaving him behind. I chose Kevin over them every time. This was around the first time I was honest with Kevin about my feelings for him, and how his relationships made me feel. Unlike usual Kevin told me that he could never take our relationship to the next level because of the distance. He blamed everything on the stone cold fact that I wasn’t there, and I never would be. That was my first serious heartbreak. Id like to pretend that I accepted the rejection with grace and maintained a long distance friendship with someone I used to love…But I didnt. I contemplated leaving my family, my friends, my education and my future behind for Kevin. I was so brainwashed I wanted to throw my entire life away to ensure that I would make Kevin as happy as he made me. I wanted to give up everything to be with Kevin. He promised me the only reason we weren’t together was because the distance couldnt go unnoticed, so I was ready to finally diminish the heart wrenching hundreds of miles that were between us. 

Big mistake.

A few days ago I noticed that he randomly blocked me on Instagram. When I asked him about it he told me that “three girls had made him their #mcm and he didnt want me getting jealous and freaking out” Whatever? I thought. Because as time went on I started to shake Kevin off. I figured eventually we would find our way back to eachother; so I never had to give up on the idea of us being together. When he unblocked me I went to the ONE (not three??) girl whom had made Kevin her #mcm out of curiosity.

She lived 20 hours away from him. She wrote a paragraph about their online relationship and how the distance meant nothing to them because they were in love. 

I genuinely felt like someone had ripped my heart in half. After reading their comments to each other I was physically ill. (I still am days later typing this and recollecting the events) I had never felt this way with any of the other girls he had messed with. Why did he lie about the distance being a factor in our relationship? Why did he replace me as his online affair? Did he ever care about me? How could he drag me along for so long? Along with questions I was bonbarded with feelings or worthlessness and self doubt. I felt like the only boy who could ever love me for me, was lying all along. 

I confronted him and we had a full argument over the phone. He told me it was none of my business, considering we were only friends. That wasn’t the point? I was devastated that someone could have such double standards. I was disgusted with myself for sticking around this long, when his words were clearly empty. For some reason during our phone conversation that day I allowed him talk me into calming down; I allowed him to talk me into staying in his life.

After several hours of thinking, crying and writing messages I’ll never send, I decided to officially walk away from him forever. I deleted all the “i-love-yous” and “i-miss-yous” that I have been saving for a year. I sent him one last goodbye, something I have done hundreds of times. I was hoping to get some closure out of him, but I’ve accepted that will never happen. Im sick of ripping open my scars from him and calling it getting closure. I just want to be done. But I can’t shake missing him, missing us, missing what could have been.

To this day I don’t know why I care about him so much. My friends like to remind me how fake he was in our relationship; how much he manipulated and used me. I think of how bitter I was toward him, from all the times he hurt me and I looked the other way. I feel like its my fault he messed with my head. I’ve never felt more pathetic and immature in my life. How did i manage to become so attached to someone who clearly never cared about me? I understand why he kept me around. I put up with his bullshit, I was always there for him, I stood by his side though thick and thin, I’d give him anything he asked for, I made him laugh, I was the longest relationship he’s had. Not because he cared about me and my well being. He used me, I abused him. It was never meant to be. It took me years to accept that. I never walked away in the beginning because I looked at him like he put stars in the sky….to be completely honest I still do. But now I understand that I’m not the person who shoots for the stars. I shoot for the moon, and one day…I’ll find my moon.

If you’re out there, Goodbye Kevin. I have nothing left to say to you.

Love Always,
Bailey Danielle